Past HELP!
by Hellfilly Deluxe
Summary: A cult somewhere decides to ressurect Nightmare Moon by sacrificing Luna. However, Luna's not wearing the sacrificial ring! Instead, the ring is on Twilight Sparkle! So the cult sends out to get the ring from her... Or sacrifice her instead of Luna and make a stupid Alicorn OC. A parody of the cult from "Past Sins" and the film "HELP!". Rated "T" 'cause I've just seen a face.
1. Part 1:1

**Past HELP!  
****Parody of the cult from _Past Sins_ by Pen Stroke and _HELP!_  
****Written by That Gamer!**

**PART 1.1**

Three trees away from Celestia's palace, there was a cult. A cult of worshipers of the one and only Nightmare Moo. On any other night, they would be discussing the various ways they could steal the featured box, but, tonight, they decided to finally do something useful involving their little group: Resurrect Nightmare Moon! I mean, why worship something that isn't even alive?... Wait...

"We are gathered here tonight," the cult leader, Suxus, announced to the other members, "to finally get Nightmare Moon back into the world!"

"We would hath been here earlier, but we hath been booked-eth for months!" Luna explained. Oh, right, she was strapped down, face-up, on top of a mini Stonehenge, which was, in turn, in front of a cauldron.

"No need to apologize, Luna," Suxus told Luna. "We just need to get your blood, then we can bring Her back to life and we can rule Equestria!"

Luna rolled her eyes. "Great, now we can please speed-eth this up?" she asked impatiently. "We doth have an appointment in an hour or two."

"You finally come here any you're still booked?" Suxus asked back.

"Sadly," Luna replied.

"Well, moving on," Suxus continued, "Tufnel! If you would hand me the Moonil..."

The member in question nodded and quickly came up to where Suxus was standing. Quickly, he hoofed over the Moonil. Don't ask.

"In the name of eternal night, who has the four stars, who has the tempo of the moon," Suxus ranted, preparing to stab Luna with the Moonil, "who has a hard day's night, who has the ink lines on books, who has science, who has wolf and ponies, I STAB-ETH-"

"Hey, Suxus, I just noticed something," Tufnel interrupted Suxus.

"Oh, you have got to be KIDDING ME!" Suxus shouted, looking angrily at Tufnel.

"I'm not kidding you, I really noticed something," Tufnel said with a shrug.

Suxus growled. "What! What did you notice?!" he demanded. "That I'm about to sacrifice Luna and get her blood?!... And you guys were supposed to be chanting with me!"

"No, she's missing that ring you told me she has to were," Tufnel pointed out, pointing at where the ring was supposed to go.

Sure enough, Suxus looked and the ring was missing. There was supposed to be this kind of red-moon ring on her right hoof.

"What the-!" Suxus was dumbstruck. "You were supposed to wear it!"

"It wasn't really out style," Luna snapped. "We mean, we wore it for one day, but then we realized how stupid we looked. So, we doth sent it off to somepony else."

"You _IDIOT_!" Suxus exclaimed, furious. I mean, wouldn't you be?

"Don't insult me; you should be lucky I even decided to come here," Luna said matter-of-factly.

"I OUGHTA STAB YOU RIGHT NOW!"

"But if you stab her without the ring, then we won't be able to resurrect Nightmare Moon!" Tufnel reminded Suxus.

"I _know_ that!" Suxus yelled.

"Speaking of the ring, why does she need it?" one of the 5 cult members who wasn't Suxus or Tufnel shouted.

"We hath been thinking that as well..." Luna said. "Along with why we need to be red."

"It's... I-it's an aesthetics thing!" Suxus replied. "You wouldn't get it..."

"I get it's stupid."

"Oh shut up, Nyx!" Suxus snapped. He blinked, thought about who he just told to shut up, shook it off and spoke to Luna: "Who did you send it to?"

Luna thought about it for a moment. "Twilight Sparkle... We doth think," she muttered.

"And where is she?" Suxus asked.

"PonyVille... Our memory be-eth a little foggy..." Luna said. "If you will let us get-eth our mailing record-"

"Oh, forget it!" Suxus interrupted Luna. "We're going to PonyVille to get that ring!"

Tufnel blinked. "Do we really need that ring?"

"It's an _aesthetics_ thing!" Suxus repeated himself. "Now come on! We leave tomorrow!"

But, just before Suxus could leave his platform, another cult member, Lunar Siren, ran up to him.

"Hold everything!" Lunar shouted. "We don't need the ring!"

Suxus raised an eyebrow. "And why won't we need the ring?"

"I got this the same day Luna wore her ring," Lunar bragged. S/he pulled out a bottle and showed it to Suxus. "It just so happened that she donated her blood that day!"

"You managed to get her donated blood?!" Suxus was shocked.

"Well, I'm not exactly sure if I did..." Lunar muttered, looking at said bottle.

"What do you mean 'you're not sure'?"

"Is this supposed to have 'Moonlit Dew' on the front?"

Quickly, Suxus grabbed the bottle from Lunar and inspected it closely.

"This is cherry Moonlit Dew, you moron!" Suxus exclaimed, throwing the bottle at Lunar. "You are so not coming with us to PonyVille!"

And with that, Suxus angrily stormed away. The rest of the cult members exchanged confused glances, shrugged, and also left.

"...Is anypony gonna go our straps?!" Luna wondered aloud.


	2. Part 1:2

**PAST HELP!  
****Parody of the cult from _Past Sins_ by Pen Stroke and _HELP!  
_****Written by That Gamer!**

**PART 1.2**

"Twilight, I somehow didn't notice that ring until now," Rarity muttered, her, Twilight, Rainbow and Applejack taking a walk for no good reason. "Where in Equestria did you get it?"

"Luna sent it to me," Twilight explained. "Why, Rarity, dear old FrIeNd? Do you want it?"

"No, I was just going to say that it looks good on you," Rarity said.

"I dunno, it kind of looks contrastin' if ya ask me,"Applejack commented.

"And why would that be?" Rarity enquired.

"It's red on purple," Applejack pointed out. "Does that look good to you?"

"I can take it off!" Twilight offered, a MAGICK aura appearing around the ring.

Rainbow Dash, who was more-or-less flying then walking, put a hoof on Twilight's horn, cutting off the MAGICK. "Eh, you could be wearing something worse," Rainbow said.

"Like what?" Twilight asked.

"I dunno, I'm not a fashion maniac like Rarity," Rainbow replied.

"I'm not a maniac!" Rarity said, offended.

"Ya kind of are," Applejack agreed. "No offence."

"It's kind of late for that," Rarity told Applejack.

"I at least tried to apologize for her!" Applejack snapped.

"Apologize _for_ me?!" Rainbow repeated. "Are you suggesting I can't apologize by myself?!"

"Well, if you can apologize yourself, why didn't you?" Applejack retorted.

"You were the one who agreed with me!" Rainbow shot back.

"So neither of you are going to say you're 'sorry'!?" Rarity asked the two of them.

"Of course we're going to!" was Applejack's answer.

"As long as I can do it myself!" was Dashie's answer.

"Um... Girls?" Twilight spoke up.

"What?"

"I just wanted to know if Rainbow could let go of my horn..." Twilight muttered. "I'm kinda gettin' off to it."

"Oh, right." Rainbow Dash quickly let go of Twilight's horn and landed.

A few moments of silence went by.

"By the way, why were you flying?" Twilight asked Rainbow Dash. "You're blind, remember? Isn't that supposed to be kind of... Dangerous?"

"Speaking of being blind, how do you know what Twilight's wearing if you can't see two feet in front of your own dang face?" Rarity added.

Rainbow thought for a couple seconds, then gave up with thinking about that. "So, where to now?"

"Don't try to change the question," Rarity said.

Applejack shushed Rarity.

"Well... We can all go to my place," Twilight suggested.

There were a few mutters of agreement and it was settled: Twilight's place it was.

As they arrived, nopony noticed Lyra and Bonbon watching the four enter through four seperate doors. Why Twilight had that installed, I'll never know.

"C'mon, Lyra, wave," Bonbon, waving, said to Lyra.

"Why should I?" Lyra asked. "They did nothing to indicate that I should wave back."

"Just do it," Bonbon said flatly. "You don't have to be such a put-downer all the time."

"I'm pretty sure there's a better word you could have used-OW!" Lyra got cut of by Bonbon elbowing her. "I'll wave! Fawst!"

Bonbon nodded in satisfaction and the two waved at the foursome, who were still trying to get in.

"Such nice mares, aren't they?" Bonbon questioned Lyra.

"Yeah, I guess," Lyra grumbled, still a little sore over Bonbon elbowing her.

"They have both princesses on their side, they've saved Equestria four times over, bear the Elements of Harmony..." Bonbon listed off the various reasons why they were 'nice mares'. "All they're missing is fan support of Derpy!"

"Well, we have some fan support as well," Lyra pointed out.

"I mean Derpy, me and you," Bonbon corrected herself.

Meanwhile, back with two-thirds of the Elements Of Harmony, Rarity finally got her door open and signalled for the others to go in through hers. Twilight and Applejack complied, Twilight going first since Applejack had to drag Dashie in.

"I'll have to remind you to about getting these doors removed later," Applejack said to Twilight, her mouth full of hair.

"Yeah, I don't know why I did that," Twilight said, waving back at Lyra and Bonbon before shutting the door. "It's like the grass rug."

"You have a grass rug?" Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Rarity asked in unison.

"She does and it's just as stupid as the four doors," Spike confirmed. "And it's ridiculous how she has me cut it."

There was a shared moment of quiet, before Rarity spoke up: "You have been taking your pills, right?"

"I'll get rid of it later!" Twilight snapped. "Now do what you're going to do!"

More scattered mutters and the four went about their business: Rarity went over to Twilight's bookshelf, scanned through the books, turned a secret compartment around, tapped a couple books, took a book out, opened it, took a different book, opened [i]that[/i], took a third book out, put it back on the shelf, spun it around a couple times, scanned through the books once again and just gave up, picking up a book from the floor and reading it.

Rainbow Dash wandered off and happened to end up next to Spike.

"So... How do you cut the grass rug?" Rainbow enquired Spike.

"Wind-up teeth Twilight borrowed from Pinkie," Spike answered.

Dashie nodded. "By the way, I walked over it and it felt kinda tall," she told Spike. "Get on that, will ya?"

A small grumble came from Spike (something about finding Twilight's medication) and he started to "mow" the grass.

Applejack went to the basement and found an organ. "Hey, Twi, you gots an organ down here!" she called up.

"I do?"

"Yeah, ya do! Look!" And, with that, the floor opened up and Applejack came up with an organ.

Twilight blinked in surprise and Applejack played a short riff.

"You have a very strange library, Twilight," Rarity commented, not even looking up.

"My question is why ya have comic books instead of sheet music," Applejack said, rubbing her chin. "Why do ya have Rainbow Dash's Dairn' Do comic?"

"It sucks!" Rainbow complained. "I don't want it anyways!"

"And you have the real Daring Do, so you don't need it," Twilight said, going over to some kind of fridge in the wall and getting something out of it. "Speaking of which, how's it been going with you and her?"

"Fine, aside from me not being able to see her," Rainbow Dash replied. She was still trying to listening to Spike's grass cutting.

There was a small mumble of approvement from Twilight. She went over to a second food-thing, this one holding sandwiches, and reached a hoof through one of the slots to grab one. But something grabbed her hoof.

"Something's grabbed me hoof," Twilight told the other girls.

"Your grammar is pretty bad, Twilight," Applejack noted, absent-mindely fiddling with the organ. "Just a second ago, it was fine, but now..."

"It doesn't matter, something had my hoof!" Twilight shouted. Then that something bit Twilight's hoof: "OW! Buck!"

"Hey, man, did you just swear?"Rarity asked Twilight.

Twilight didn't reply. Instead, she yanked her hoof out of whatever was holding her, went over to some kind of chair thing, sat on it and rubbed the hoof holding her sandwich.

"Something bit me hoof," Twilight murmured, sad for no good reason.

"Are you trying to direct attention towards yourself? Rainbow enquired.

Twilight rolled her eyes and sighed. "I just got BIT!" she shouted at Dashie. "Why do you think I'm trying to get some attention?"

"Sandwiches are deadly?" Rainbow Dash suggested.

Twilight frowned.

Meanwhile, outside the library, Suxus was sharpening an umbrella on some kinda ice cream vendor thing and Tufnel was waiting for him to finish. Lunar Siren walked up just then.

"I couldn't get it off," Lunar sadly informed Suxus.

"Did you try biting it off?" Suxus asked.

"Yeah, but I accidentally bit myself a couple times," Lunar said, rubbing a bite wound.

Suxus groaned. "Can't you do anything right?"

"He can bite himself," Tufnel suggested.

"That doesn't count," Suxus told Tufnel. "Anyways, we're going to have to resort to plan C."

"What happened to plan B?" Tufnel asked.

"It hasn't been approved yet," Suxus explained. "Now, c'mon, let's go somewhere else while we wait. We meet back here at night."

Suxus gave Tufnel back his umbrella and motored off. Tufnel shrugged and went off to get something more effective. Lunar went off to get some more Moonlit Dew.

That night, Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity decided to stay the night at Twilight's house, mainly because Spike wanted them to help him find Twilight's medication. Funny enough, they were all sleeping where they were earlier: Rarity by the bookshelf, Twilight on the chair thing (with a blanket for comfort), Applejack next to the organ and Rainbow Dash lay next to Spike. No pairing, it's just, y'know.

Near midnight, however, a light shone through the window. A... Purple light. It first shone on Rainbow Dash and decided nothing was there. Then the light went onto Spike. Nothing was there either, then it went onto Rarity. Then it jittered as somepony slapped who ever was holding the light. So it decided to shine on Twilight. Next to where Twilight was sleeping, a metal claw thing came through a random hole in the wall. It went to the front of the covers, where Twilight's head would naturally be. The claw pulled said covers off and found... Hind hooves. Confused, the claw looked at the fourth wall before going to the end and pulling those covers off. Sure enough, Twilight's head was there. Her front hooves, too. The claw grabbed the hoof ring and tried to pull it off, but, as usual, it was like it was super glued on. The claw tugged on it. No dice. So the claw continued to do so until Twilight fell of the chair thing. This caused Twilight to wake up, so the claw and purple light fled.

Twilight looked around in confusion. What in the name of the galaxy girls was that? She quickly crawled over to where Rarity was sleeping.

"Rarity, something else tugged on my hoof," Twilight whispered to Rarity.

"I guess somepony has a hoof fetish," Rarity yawned. "Twilight, dear, it's after midnight. What are you doing on the floor of all places?"

"You're on the floor as well," Twilight retorted with a small smirk.

Rarity was not amused. "That's because I don't wanna be in the same room as your bed," she explained. "I know what you do to that thing and it's not pleasant."

"How did you find out?" Twilight asked in another whisper.

"Please, everypony knows about the others fetish," Rarity said. "Well, I might as well wake Applejack and Rainbow Dash up."

"Why? Isn't it, like, 1 in the morning?"

"I can't get back to sleep since you woke me up," Rarity grumbled, "why do they get to sleep in?"

"Good point..." Twilight went back over to her chair-thing as Rarity MAGICKED over a phone. She began dialling a very long number before realizing something.

"What the buck is this thing?" Rarity asked herself before tossing the phone away. She called over to Rainbow Dash and Applejack, "Hey, Dashie, Japple!"

"What?"the two asked in unison.

In response, Rarity poofed up an alarm clock and set it off. Immediately, Rainbow Dash, Applejack and poor old Spike got up.

The next morning, Applejack left because she had to go home and get some sleep. However, right after she left and took a couple steps away, she was approached by Suxus, wearing a "very" clever disguise. Applejack didn't know him, so it was pointless, but, y'know.

"Excuse me, miss, would you like some gold?" Suxus asked Applejack, showing the orange mare a bag.

"Um, why would ya be askin' me this outta nowhere?" Applejack asked back.

"Well, this is 120% natural gold, no artificial metals," Suxus replied. "And it's going for a bargain! Only 27 bits! Imagine! All this wonderful gold can be yours! This has to be about 20x times the value I'm offering!" Lunar Siren came up just about then to inspect Applejack for the ring. "You could buy, like, 838 PSYs! And that's only because he's not going for much. But wait! There's-"

"I don't want it!" Applejack suddenly shouted.

"No!" Lunar yelled as well.

"But... But I don't want it!" Applejack told Lunar. "It makes yer hooves turn green!... I think..."

"I wasn't talking about you!" Lunar tried to explain. "Well, I mean, I was talking about you, but not in the way you were talking about you."

"So what were you saying?" Applejack enquired.

"It's none of your business!" Lunar said, pushing Applejack along.

"What are you doing?" Suxus hissed to Lunar once she (Applejack) was far enough so that she couldn't hear them. "I was going to make a hard sell!"

"Well, she didn't have the ring!" Lunar whispered back. "I told you! She's purple!"

"Purple, orange, peach." Suxus dismissed Lunar's comment. "They're all the same when you think about it."

"We are not the same!" Lunar snapped, failing to notice Rarity, Twilight and Rainbow Dash pass them by.

"Hey, Applejack, where ya goin'?" Twilight asked, trottin' up beside her friend.

"Home! To git some sleep..." Applejack mumbled. "Not to be rude, Twilight, but you and Rarity woke me up at one in the mornin'!"

"And I do feel awful about it," Rarity apologized with a slight sarcastic edge.

"Hey, I feel fine!" Rainbow informed Applejack. "Why do you feel so cruddy?"

"You're used to it," Applejack answered.

"...She's got me there," Rainbow said to the other three. "By the way, where're Pinkie and Fluttershy? I haven't seen 'em all day."

Twilight thought about it for a moment. "I think Fluttershy's doing something with Chyrsalis..." she started.

"And Pinkie's off at a press conference concerning _Cupcakes_," Rarity finished.

"A conference?! Pinkie told me the next time she went to one of those, she'd bring me!" Rainbow Dash said. But nopony listened.

"So, Twi, now that we're all together, what do ya wanna do?" Applejack enquired.

"Stuff, I guess," Twilight shrugged. "C'mon, let's go look at stuff that shouldn't be here."

And the group ran off, Suxus and Lunar Siren finally noticing. They started to run after them, Tufnel coming up with the umbrella.

"Sir, it's suddenly raining!" Tufnel shouted.

Suxus and Lunar suddenly started running back, Tufnel following suit. Once they realized they didn't have a ride, they ran forwards again. Tufnel, again, did what they did. It's just that, this time, he threw nails behind him for no good reason.

**OVER THE FOLLOWING WEEKS (AND BY THAT, I MEAN 4 DAYS), FIVE ATTEMPTS WERE MADE TO STEAL THE RING. AS YOU COULD PROBABLY GUESS, ALL OF THEM FAILED**

**ATTEMPT 1 (PLAN B)**

"...And this is what Lyra calls an elevator," Twilight finished, after describing an elevator to Rainbow Dash.

"Elevators! Peh! Who needs 'em when you can fly?" Rainbow Dash commented.

"I can't fly," Twilight pointed out, "so I guess it's kinda useful."

"You gotta point," Rainbow Dash said.

Somewhere on the outside of the elevator, a lever was pulled (labelled "Copyright FlutterDash Corp.") and Rainbow Dash's glasses were dragged to a wall, which was now a magnet.

"Ah!" Rainbow started whipping her head around, confused. "Where are my glasses!?"

"I don't-" Twilight began, but the hoof with the ring on it got dragged to the wall, then the ceiling. "Ah! Elevators are evil!"

"I told you so!" Rainbow Dash said, feeling around for her glasses.

Back outside the elevator, the lever was pulled back and the wall let Twilight go. Dashie's glasses, too. Twilight glanced all confused like at the wall, then at Rainbow Dash, then MAGICKED her glasses back on.

"That was odd..." Dashie muttered. "Anyways, what first attracted you to me?"

"Your ability to ignore weird stuff like this," Twilight replied.

**ATTEMPT 2 (PLAN D)**

"...And so Lyra wouldn't agree that elevators are evil!" Twilight finished, the two going to a mailbox.

"Really, darling?" Rarity had a bored expression. "You really thought she'd believe that?"

"Do you?"

"I've never seen an elevator," Rarity reminded Twilight.

Twilight mumbled a little and put her letter in he mailbox. But, suddenly, something grabbed her hoof!... Again!

"Rarity, something's got my hoof again!" Twilight said.

Rarity groaned in annoyance. "How many ponies have a hoof fetish around here?"

"It... Always points... Towards fetishes... Doesn't it?!" Twilight grunted, trying to get her hoof out of the grasp of whoever was grabbing it. In the end, she got it out.

"...So, tell me, should mailboxes exist, or shouldn't they?" Rarity enquired after a couple moments.

"Eh, why not?" Twilight shrugged. "I guess they're useful."

And the two walked away... Followed by the mailbox getting up and going the opposite way. Seconds later, Derpy came out of nowhere and started chasing it.

"Wait! I have to get mail out of you!" Derpy cried.

**ATTEMPT 3 (PLAN E)**

One day, Twilight found one of those things where you stand on a thing, insert the coin and a card pops out. So Twilight, not sure if it should exist or not, stood on the thing and inserted a bit. Seconds later, a card came out. Twilight reached to take it, but the thing holding flipped down, like it was trying to take her hoof off. It didn't concern the purple unicorn too much. So she walked it.

**ATTEMPT 4 (PLAN F)**

Twilight and Applejack were in this random bathroom, washing their hooves, singing a random song to themselves. Twilight was done first, so she went over to the hoof dryers that had just been installed. However, when she stepped on the thing that sent the air out, it instead sucked her left hoof in.

"Even the bucking hoof dryers!?" Twilight yelled in annoyance.

"Whaddya mean even the-" Applejack started to question Twilight's out-of-context question, but then she noticed the intense sucking power. So strong, it almost took her hat away. She quickly grabbed it with her mouth, but the dryer was still trying to take it away from her.

Twilight did manage to get her hoof out, but the dryer kept on a-rollin'. Eventually, it got to the point where her and Twilight had to grab onto sinks to avoid being sucked any closer - but Applejack's fell off!

"AH! Buck!" Applejack cried, trying to stop the flowing water from doing so.

At about that time, Rarity and Rainbow Dash entered.

"What's all the fuss going on in here?" Rarity asked the Twilight and Applejack. Suddenly, Dashie's glasses got sucked away from her and Rarity noticed because she got hit in the face with them. "Rainbow Dash! Would you please keep your glasses-" She would have said more, but she finally noticed the sucking hoof dryer and her and Rainbow Dash thought it would ba good idea to hang to Twilight for dear life.

This went on for about two minutes: Twilight hanging onto a sink, Rainbow Dash & Rarity clinging to her and Applejack trying to stop the water.

Just like the elevator, somepony outside the room (who looked a heck of a lot like Celestia) turned off the hoof dryer with a lever. She started to walk away, but stopped, looked at the fourth wall and said, "I'm not what I seem to be... Don't worry, this'll all make sense later."

Back inside the bathroom, all four were trying very hard to catch their breaths, Applejack stopping the water by stuffing her hat in the pipe. She didn't [i]_want_[/i] to do that, but she had no other option.

"My skin's soaked right through to skin!" Applejack complained. "...Whatever the buck that means!"

"There's more... There's here then... Then meets the eye!" Twilight said between gasps for air.

"Ho ho," Rainbow Dash said.

"Ho," Rarity agreed.

"Ho ho," Rainbow Dash repeated, looking at her wrist, expecting a watch.

**THEY ALL LAUGHED AT TWILIGHT'S COMMENT... OK, IT WAS REALLY JUST RARITY AND RAINBOW DASH**

"Ho?" Rarity asked.

"Ho ho," Rainbow Dash replied, showing Rarity her wrist.

"Oh," Rarity muttered.

Rainbow Dash shook her head. "Ho," she corrected Rarity.

"Ho!" Rarity nodded.

"Ho ho ho," Rainbow Dash said in satisfaction.

**BUT THE NEXT DAY...**


	3. Part 1:3 (Plan E And A Half)

**A/N: The following is a parody of a deleted scene from _HELP!_. Just saying.**

**Past HELP!  
****A parody of the cult from _Past Sins_ by Pen Stroke and _HELP!  
_****Written by That Gamer!**

**Part 1.3: Plan E½**

Here's an attempt I got.

"...Just to reiterate, the plan is to get Twilight in here," Tufnel explained, him and Suxus behind a phone booth, "then, when she tries to use it, we dump this red paint on her and do the sacrifice!" He looked at the camera. "Did ya get that? Good."

"And you're very sure this is going to work?" Suxus asked. Considering the last couple plans ended... Not too well, he was skeptical.

"Of course it works; I've already sacrificed this joker!" Tufnel replied defensively, pulling out a dead pony painted red.

"WHAT?!" Suxus hissed, grabbing the body from his second-hoof pony (I guess) and tossing it away. "You killed an innocent pony?!"

"Well, I knew you wanted some proof..." Tufnel muttered.

"Quiet!" Suxus snapped. "Sparkle's coming this way!"

Tufnel gasped and the two dived in a bush. Sure enough, Twilight came trotting up to the phone booth, having seen it in the distance (and whoever was tossed out from behind it).

You see, when it comes to phone booths, the paranoid purple pony was unsure about whether or not it sure exist. She'd seen something like this before with Doctor Whooves, but this one was certainly not blue and, after poking her head inside, it definitely was the same size inside as it was out.

"Might as well see if it works," Twilight murmured to herself, "and if it should exist or not."

After digging in an imaginary pocket, Twilight produced one bit and inserted into the phone. She dialled the usual cartoon number ((555) 555-5555) and waited for the usual cartoon reply.

Eventually, somepony picked up. "FEKA Corporation speaking," came the voice on the other end.

"Yeah, it works," Twilight said before hanging up.

"Wha-" Then there was a click, then nothing.

Twilight walked out of the phone booth, completely ignoring the two ponies in the shrubbery.

"...That was supposed to work, right?" Suxus whispered to Tufnel.

"Um... Yeah," Tufnel answered with a nervous chuckle.

Suxus stood up, went to the phone booth and thoroughly inspected it. "There's nothing here, WHY IS THERE NOTHING?!" he yelled at Tufnel.

"I-I knew wouldn't go for it," Tufnel admitted, "so I dug up a dead body, painted it red a-and-"

"YOU SO STUPID!" Suxus screamed. "STUUUUUUUUPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIID!"

"You're making a scene!" Tufnel said.

"I don't care!" Suxus said, storming off.

Tufnel blinked in confusion.

"What's his problem?" Lunar enquired, popping out of a garbage can.

"I don't know," Tufnel replied with a shrug. "I think it could have been my plan, but-"

"Probably is," Lunar interrupted Tufnel.

Tufnel sighed. "Yeah..."

**A/N: And then I saw her face! Now I'm a believer! And not a trace or doubt in my mind! I'm in love (Ooo, aah!) I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried!... Also, bonum nocte et fortuna.**


	4. Part 1:4

**PAST HELP!  
****Parody of _HELP!_ and the cult from _Past Sins _by Pen Stroke  
****Written by That Gamer!  
****Part 1.4  
WARNING: You will probably go stupid(er) by reading this.**

"Hey, you girls wanna jam or something?" Rainbow Dash asked her friends, guitar in hoof.

FYI, they were all in some kinda recording booth. Rainbow Dash was in front of a microphone, Rarity & Applejack were sharing one and Twilight was at the drums.

"I would, but I have no idea how to play this thing," Twilight admitted, looking at the set before her. "Maybe if Fluttershy was here or something."

"What are you talking about?" Applejack enquired. "Your playing bongos right over there!"

Twilight looked and, in fact, she had a clone in the corner. Said clone waved sheepishly.

"Go home, not-Twilicorn!" Twilight shouted, throwing a random vase at the non-alicorn Twilight. She disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Anyways, are we gonna do something or not?!" Rainbow Dash asked enthusiastically, playing a Hendrix chord.

"Well, they don't have a good bass here..." Applejack half-replied in a mutter, looking around.

Suddenly, everypony's favourite re-named OC Dance "Synth" Pop, came in over the announcementer: "Didn't you see the sign? B.Y.O.B.! Bring your own bass!"

"Bass?!" Rarity repeated. Everypony looked at her and she added, "Uh... I-I knew that! I-"

"You didn't, did you?" Synth deadpanned.

"No," Rarity murmured, using MAGICK to make her bomb disappear.

"Anyways, why the buck is there a B.Y.O.B. rule?!" Applejack, turning her attention back to Synth, continued.

"All of ours have been dropped!" Synth answered sarcastically.

"Hah, hah, yer hilarious!" Applejack snapped. "Now, where are they?!"

"This is ridiculous..." Rarity sighed, putting a hoof to her face.

"We've just never needed them and-" Synth began, but interrupted herself. "Wait. Do you guys hear that buzzing?"

There was a brief pause followed by a chorus of "No".

"I-I swear to Faust I hear a buzzing sound," Synth the four. "I can prove it! For no good reason, I've been recording our conversation-"

"Why?" was the thing that cut her off, given by all four.

"Because I need something of more substance then Rainbow Factory!" Synth exclaimed. "Now listen!" Then she hit the play button the recording device.

So was played back Synth and Applejack's argument about basses. It was pretty obvious that Twilight didn't give two $#!ts about it because she was tapping along to some song playing in her head. What it was, I don't know, but I do know that the buzzing sound Synth was talking about got progressively louder under it just... Stopped.

"OK, not it's stopped!" Synth shouted in annoyance.

"What disappeared, darling?" Rarity asked.

"The... The buzzing! It's gone!" Synth answered.

"Well, you don't have to be rude about it," Rarity huffed, looking the other way and doing the snooty eye-close.

"How was I-" Synth began, but then Twilight fell through a hole in the floor. "SEE?! I TOLD THERE WAS A BUZZING SOUND AND IT MADE A HOLE IN THE FLOOR!... What?"

Ignoring Synth, the three mares left in the studio went to the hole and peered down into it, only to see Tufnel and Lunar Siren holding Twilight down, Suxus getting ready to cut off her hoof with a chainsaw.

"We should do something!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

"Should we do something?" Applejack enquired inquisitively.

"We should do something!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

"Should we do something?" Applejack enquired.

Meanwhile, down the hole...

"This is going to be a lot easier then asking for it!" Suxus exclaimed in delight, lowering the chainsaw.

Twilight would've said something, but she had her mouth covered.

"I knew you were going to say that!" Lunar laughed manically. "I read ahead the script!... Speaking of which, you might wanna duck, Suxus."

"Duck? Why would he?" Tufnel asked. Then Suxus got hit in the back of the head by a flying cymbal. "Ohh..."

Said flying cymbal came from the Celestia-lookalike, who somehow managed to get Tufnel and Lunar off of Twilight. They (Twilight and the lookalike) ran out the door, the lookalike closing and locking the door.

"I-I'm the fourth pony!" the fourth pony, Endless Wire, shouted before trying desperately to open the door. "I'm here!"

"...At least he's not getting stuck in it," Tufnel tried to reassure Suxus, who was knocked out, so...

Back with Twilight and the lookalike, they continued to run down the hallway.

"Flea! You must flea!" the lookalike commanded Twilight, the two stopping at split in the halls.

"Right after you give me an explanation for why you helped me!" Twilight demanded.

"It makes less sense then _Southland Tales_, OK, so just GO!" the lookalike shouted, pointing down the right hallway.

"It's not like I cared," Twilight mumbled, going down said hall, the lookalike going down the left and into a wall, which was supposed to be a canteen, but...

"...We should do something!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

"Should we do something?" Applejack enquired.

"We should do something!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

"Should we do something?" Applejack enquired.

"We should do something!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

**A DAY LATER, AFTER THE FOUR FORGOT ALL ABOUT TWILIGHT NEARLY DYING...**

"An Indian restaurant?" Twilight echoed. "Why are we going to an Indian restaurant?"

"Pinkie's out of town and the Cavuern's closed," Rarity explained.

"So if Pinkie's gone..." Twilight began, but Rainbow cut her off.

"Shut up, we're here," Rainbow interrupted, the four walking by the front window.

Noticing this, a pony on a balcony wove into the distance... Signalling another pony in a barrel to wave off into the same distance... Signalling another pony to fire a shot into the previous distance... Signalling another pony to shine off into the second distance... Prompting another pony to accidentally step on a cat... Setting in a motion another pony to use his radio... Making another pony answer his radio and raise a flag... Having another pony do a complex series a flag signals... Thus, another pony dialled a number on a phone... Finally making another pony answer his phone, go "OK!" and tap Tufnel's shoulder.

"Thanks, Tommy, for suggesting we get the rest of the cult down here to help with the ring-getting," Tufnel said to Tommy before running off to a garden party.

"Um.. My name's Quadrophenia!" Quadrophenia called after Tufnel, but that wasn't important enough to remember.

Anyways, let's cut to where Suxus is. He was conversing with some kind of pony.

"And, you see, ponies today are too addicted to their clop," Suxus complained to Green Weezer. "It's everywhere! On every website! It's like the only thing they want on their unnamed porn websites! So, I propose that if we get them into grimdark and crap like [i]Cupcakes[/i] and [i]The Rainbow Factory[/i], let them see a little bloodshed, they can learn about good... Well, not good, but more interesting stories..."

At this point, Tufnel sneaked in and hid behind a table. He briefly peeked out from behind it to wave to Suxus before noticing the somepony sitting at the table he was at.

"Oh... Hello, mister!" Tufnel greeted before going off to Suxus's table.

"...They'd learn something about self-sacrifice and, of course, I don't expect you to see eye to eye with-" Suxus continued before Tufnel came up to him on the ground.

"They are in the ice hole!" Tufnel whispered to his leader

"You could just have told me," Suxus hissed. He told Green he had to leave and he went off, Tufnel making a big deal of him hiding.

Back with the ponees-

**SEEKING ENLIGHTENMENT AS TO RINGS, THEY APPROACHED THE NEAREST ORIENTAL. WHY THEY DID THIS INSTEAD OF CONSULTING THE PRINCESS IS BEYOND MY GRASP.**

I was just about to say that. Not exactly, but... A-Anyways, Twilight shoved her ring in the face of a pony standing outside.

"Do you know something about rings or what?" Twilight asked, stoned off her flank.

"Urm... Uh... Well, I can definitely say that it's a nice ring," the pony, Inner Light, complimented the purple princess.

"Well, if you like it so much, you can have it," Twilight offered, pushing the ring closer.

"What?! You can keep it, b!tch!" Inner suddenly cried, pushing Twilight away.

"Oy! This bloke's from the west!" Twilight told her friends.

"Yeah, I can see it in his eyes," Applejack muttered, squinting.

Inner Light was shocked by this accusation. "I can assure all of you that I am of Eastren culture!" he said defensively.

"Then what does this ring mean to you?" Twilight asked, shoving the ring back in Inner's face.

"Bollocks," said Inner simply.

"Never mind the bollocks!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed. "Here's the red ring!"

"Look, I don't know!" Inner argued. "Blood 'ell!"

"Waitaminute... You're English!" Rarity came to the sudden conclusion.

"...Yes..." Inner Light was ashamed.

"...Liar!" Rarity shouted. "Liar! Liar, liar, liar! I hate liars! No offence, darling."

"None taken," Applejack grumbled.

"But wait! We do have one from the Middle East!" Inner spoke up. "Tabula, get out here!"

On command, Tabula came out off the restaurant. "What do ya want?" he asked quite rudely.

"Are you from the Middle East?" Inner Light asked.

"You called me out to tell me that?" Tabula replied wit his own question. "Anyways, yes, I am. Now can I go back inside?"

"You can," Inner nodded. "Just take them with you. They have some ring questions I think you can answer."

Tabula rolled his eyes and motioned for the four to follow him. They did so, coming into the resturant with him.

Of course, as to be expected, they ended up in the first room, with a pony standing on his head.

"Doesn't the blood ever rush to your head?" Rarity asked casually.

The pony, named Cutter Upside, wanted to answer, but he wasn't able to think straight because he had been on his head for hours on end.

**MEANWHILE!**

"Isn't this Eastern flavour rather expensive?" Rainbow Dash asked, peering in a pot somepony was cooking. "I mean, I can't see it, but..."

"I don't know who pays for it, but somepony does," the pony, Nile Ibiza, shrugged. "Maybe it's my special brew!"

"Huh..." Rainbow Dash muttered, rubbing her chin.

"Wanna take some?" Nile offered, holding out a bottle.

"Eh, I'll take some for Vinyl," Rainbow Dash said, taking the bottle and putting it... Somehwhere.

"Good, that'll be 27 bits," Nile said, suddenly becoming dead serious.

"Urm..." Rainbow got nervous. "Um... Discount for the blind!" Then she bailed, flying out as fast as possible.

**MEANWHILE!**

"Does the blood ever rush to your stomach?" Applejack asked a belly dancer.

The belly dancer rolled her eyes and just kept doing what she was doing,

"No, really, answer my question," Applejack said.

Despite Applejack's pushing, the dancer kept doing her routine.

"I got a baseball bat and I'm not afraid to use it!" Applejack threatened.

"You get that thing out and I'll murder you," the belly dancer snarled.

"Fine, fine, I'll go somewhere else," Applejack murmured, trotting off.

In case your wondering, the belly dancer's name was "Jappleack".

**MEANWHILE!**

"What do you know about this ring?" Twilight asked Cutter, showing him her ring.

But, instead of a good answer, Cutter just screamed and ran off as fast as he could, displaying just how talented he was at anything but recognizing rings. That includes laying down on a bed of nails, which he did.

"Back of steel, man," Twilight commented. "Wish I could do that. But my wings are too sensitive."

"That's why I got rid of mine," Cutter told Twilight.

**MEANWHILE!**

Outside the restaurant, Inner Light was minding his own business, when, all of a sudden, two random ponies (from the cult) went up to him, asked about the menu and then assaulted him. The one on the left (Canex Lunnir) put a hoof over his mouth and the one on the right (Crater Cauldron) grabbed his turban, putting it on.

"Now take him away!" Crater told Canex.

"I know, I know, that's the plan after all," Canex murmured, doing as he was told.

Afterwards, a nice couple came up and went inside the place, the stallion stopping to look at Crater.

"I see nothing wrong with that," the stallion pointed out before going inside.

In the kitchen, Rainbow Dash came back to get more Nile Ibiza from Nile Ibiza.

"3 bits, that's my final offer," Dashie argued.

"You drive a hard bargain, RD," Nile muttered sarcastically.

"Hey, it's all I got!" Rainbow Dash snapped, slamming a hoof down on the counter top.

"Well, I-" Nile began, but his co-chef, River Ladle, suddenly got strangled by a member of the cult. "Hey, I think somepony just got choked to death over there. If you go check it out, I'll give you this for 3 bits."

"I'm blind, but I guess..." Rainbow Dash said, going to where she heard the sound.

However, when she went over there, another member of the cult got a hold of Nile.

"H-hey!" Nile cried out in surprise. "Um, miss, you can come back now! I'm kinda in trouble!"

"Can't be bothered; still checking over here!" was Dash's reply.

Knowing Dash wouldn't help him, Nile tried to struggle against the member, but this proved ineffectual, seeing as how the member just shoved his head in a pot of soup or something Indian.

"You overcharge for your beer!" the cult member cried.

Nile then managed to pull his head out long enough to shout "Really?!" before it was plunged back in. He was also dragged off before Dash could see what had happened to him.

"What the..." Rainbow Dash began to mutter, but Twilight and Rarity came in then.

"No info on the ring," Twilight told Rainbow. "So let's just get something to eat, 'K?"

"Finally, you take my suggestion!" Rarity exclaimed with a smile.

Rainbow Dash shrugged and followed them. But after they left, another chef came in from the left and a cult member came in through the rear door, throwing his hat at the chef.

"Did you throw your hat at me, hmm?" the chef asked the cult member, giving him an odd look.

"Err... Yes!" the cult member answered awkwardly. He mentally cursed at himself for not bringing his metal-rimed hat. "Could you pick it up for me?"

"Hmm, you could probably do it for yourself," the chef pointed out. "It's only a couple of steps away."

"I'll give you 8 bits for it," the cult member offered with a smile as awkward as his previous answer.

"It ain't worth it... 16!"

"Shut up, Nyx," the cult member offered before turning back to the chef and saying, "Speaking of which, would you take 16 bits?"

"Ooo, why didn't you say so?" the chef asked, eagerly picking up the cult member's hat.

While he did that, the cult member quickly ran over to the rack, picked out an appropriate pan and went back over to the chef, holding it at such an angle that, when he stood up, he would be knocked out. The chef did stand up, but he didn't get knocked out.

"Oh, I see you like that pan, hmm?" the chef hmm'd, tilting his head a little. "Well, you can have it if I can have your hat."

"Actually, I know something you can do for that," the cult member said.

"What?"

"Please be knocked out!" then the cult member brought the pan down on the chef's head, making him colder then the current temperature of the stove.

Back outside the kitchen, Applejack has gone back to pestering Jappleack about bellydancing, which made her completely oblivious to the band on stage getting kidnapped by more members of the cult, which I shall now call Lunatics. Coincidentally, the same couple from before was there and saw this. They didn't bother to alert anypony, but that was probably because they were just as stoned as the Mane 2/3. And then, speak of the devil, Twilight, Rarity and Rainbow entered just then and sat down at the table closest to the kitchen door.

"Oi, are you eating Applejack, or are ya gonna stare at yourself all day?" Twilight called over to her friend, who wasn't really that far away.

Instead of answer, Applejack signalled for them to come over, making her, again, oblivious to somepony getting kidnapped. This time, however, it was Jappleack.

"Aw, f***!" Japplejack swore as she was dragged away. "I used to have a motherf***ing career!... S***!"

Anyways. Replacing Japplejack was that Celestia lookalike from earlier, who immediately started doing some kinda dance with Applejack.

"Twilight is danger and that is all the plot I can give away," maybe Celestia whispered to Applejack.

"...Ah presume that this the last dance," Applejack said to nopony, chuckling at her pun neither of them got.

OK, enough of that, let's focus somewhere else: Another chef was getting strangled and that couple from earlier from earlier saw this, too. They took it surprisingly well, seeing as how the resturant they were at was getting invaded by idiots.

"'Tis a rather jolly place, I do say," the stallion commented.

"I concur!" the mare agreed. "Normally when we come here, it's just Eastern food that's not really Eastern! Glad they're spicing it up a little. And look! The Eastern band that's not really Eastern is playing 'A Garage Dayz Nite', which also isn't Eastern, but they're playing it in a faux-Eastren way! Jolly good, I do say, gov'na!"

"...Ok, you're being way too British," the stallion told his wife.

"Bollocks! Bloody 'ell! Tele'por'!" was his wife's reply.

Getting back with the focus, it appeared that Twilight, Rarity and Rainbow were finally gonna get served... By Suxus.

"Really is a pleasant place," Rarity said to Rainbow.

Rainbow shushed Rarity. "I'm trying to listen to the band! Really intriguing music they're playing..."

"Whatever," Twilight muttered, going through the menu. "Hey, guy who tried to sell me something earlier. Are you a waiter or something now? If so, I'm thinking of having a Hibasji roll... Whatever that is, but I presume it's-"

"Actually, we already something all set up for you, princess," Suxus interrupted Twilight, donning an evil grin.

"Aw... I wanted to draw a Hibasji roll," Twilight whined. "Also, you don't have to treat me special just because I'm a princess!"

"Honestly, Twilight, darling, I would take advantage of these kinds of comforts," Rarity admitted with a shrug.

"Fine, we'll get you soup!" Suxus said, trying to keep his grin up, before going away to get something sharp.

OK, enough of that, Applejack and probably-not-Celestia.

"Your friend has three hours to live," the lookalike informed Applejack in a hushed whisper. Y'know, now I'm gonna call her Fakelestia.

"I thought you gave away all the plot," Applejack pointed out.

"I have given away all the plot I can," Fakelestia murmured.

"No you haven't," Applejack argued.

"I think I have," Fakelestia retorted.

Changing focus again, Suxus came back, sharpening one knife on another. Tufnel was following him, per usual.

"I have never understood how that works," Rarity mused. "Hey, can you give Rainbow and I some soup as well?"

"Soup!" Suxus repeated. He turned to Tufnel. "Soup!"

"Soup!" Tufnel echoed, going into the kitchen.

"...I didn't order any meat," Twilight said. "Is that the thing you have planned for me?"

"Um... MAYBE..."

In the kitchen, Tufnel was in a panic because he couldn't find any soup. Not even any faux-Eastren soup. So, instead, he poured water into three bowls, threw some vegetables from the garbage in there and dumped in red food dye.

"...Oatmeal!" Rarity finished as Tufnel came out with the soup.

"I have no idea what that means!" Rainbow exclaimed. "You just said one word!"

"Are you crazy?" Twilight asked as a bowl was laid down in front of her. "Oh, finally."

"Hey, that's a nice ring you got there," Suxus complimented the obvious.

"You're not the only one today who's said that," Twilight sighed. She used her MAGICK to dip her spoon in her soup and pull up... Granny glasses. "Hey! Waiter, there are glasses in my soup!"

"It's not a fly, so it's yours!" Tufnel called, as he was waiting another table.

"Well, do kinda like them," Twilight, putting them on, muttered. "Yeah, they're good."

Elsewhere!

"Your friend is wearing the sacrificial ring," Fakelestia continued giving plot exposition you already knew. "If she doesn't get it off, she will be the next sacrifice."

"OK, I'm serious now, stop talking," Applejack snapped.

"I should stop talking," Fakelestia agreed.

Elsewhere!

"Hey, boss, she's not painted red," Tufnel said, coming back to their table. "First of all, here's yer pepper. Secondly, she isn't red. Boss, I thought you were a stickler for aesthetics. Now you're just letting the red thing go? I thought it was important to killing her!"

"Eh, I've always thought a white would've been better." Everypony looked at Rarity. "WHAT?! It works with the glasses!"

"Look, the ring was supposed to go on Luna," Fakelestia explained, "and she was supposed to wear it all day, which was nice, since blue and red kinda go together when you squint at it. Anyways, at the day's end she was supposed to be slaughtered in a fit of ecstasy, using her blood to bring back Nightmare Moon, even though the comics had said she could come back on her own, thus rendering the cult completely and utterly useless in the long run of things."

"I don't care!" was what Applejack said.

"Um, yes, that is what I have heard about these kinds of things," Suxus quickly covered up for Tufnel. "Also heard it's supposed to be brutal."

"In three hours!" Tufnel reminded Twilight.

"Will that be all?" Suxus hissed. "...Oh, buck it all! You have until 5. Then you're the new sacrifical victim for us to resurrect Nightmare Moon so she can rule, even though the comic proved that she doesn't need us!"

"Hey, I just said that!" Fakelestia shouted.

"Right in my ear..." Applejack muttered.

"Hey! There's a season ticket in my soup!" Rarity cried, breaking the tension or whatever there was.

"I guess that's for - wait for it - seasoning!" Twilight cracked up. "W-what? Doesn't anypony get it? Anyways, if you two are so curious about the ring, I got it from Luna. Honestly, I think she likes me. It may be just me thinking too deeply about it, but it really does seem that way. Besides, I don't think it has any significance. Thinking about throwing it in a volcano later. The dragons will definitely appreciate it."

Suxus grinned evilly again.

"Oh, so you want it so badly?" Twilight enquired. "You can have it then." She then used her MAGICK to tug at the ring... Which seemed to be superglued in place. "Um... It's kinda stuck... Just gimme a sec..." She then spent another 5ive minutes trying to get the ring to release it's death grip. "Damn it... I can remove any other ring I have! Which is one... Which is this one, meaning I can't remove any of my rings."

"Well, let me have a try," Suxus offered, giving Tufnel his umbrella and taking red dye out of his pocket.

Fortunately, Fakelestia noticed what was going on, pushed Applejack away and screamed, "GET YOUR SORRY FLANKS OUT OF HERE!"

"Wha-" was all Twilight had time to say before Tufnel sliced their table in half.

"Oh... I'm not gonna get any good vibrations for that," Tufnel remarked sadly.

"Damn straight!" Twilight shouted, using her alicorn powers to teleport her, Rarity, Rainbow and Applejack out of the building.

A hush fell over the place.

"...Well, I'm gone!" Fakelestia broke the silence before very casually moonwalking out.

"...If I had a middle finger, I've be giving you it so hard right now," Suxus said to Tufnel, p!$$ed as all hay.

"And what would I do once I got it?" Tufnel asked.

"Shove it up your $$!" Suxus snapped before storming off.

"Well, that can't be comfortable," Tufnel observed. Bright as this story, he is.

**A/N: See how the good times roll away. Bonum nocte et fortuna.**


End file.
